Every night I come home and I watch the news, Maybe I'll give the weekly update... We'll see... but it's time ladies and gentlemen, for Michael Shaw's slant on the news:
Entertainment...
The Oscars were good. Not amazing, but good. (My party was five times better so ha LaLa Land) This week all of Hollywood is reflecting on Chalize's giant bow on her dress, and Heath Ledger's ladies' odd color choice... Joan and Melissa have put their votes in and fashion awards have been divvied out. I must say I was pretty excited that two of the funniest people in all of Hollywood were together this weekend Joan and Dolly. Yes Dolly Parton. Those women are crazy. They're more plastic then the PlaySchool Factory in Michigan.
Sports...
Mr. Bonds is being investigated. Steroids. Ethics? Listen we all don't like the idea of someone using something unnatural to enhance (for instance Dolly Parton rubs people the wrong way because of her unnatural stuff--but hey she's turning 60 this year so ROCK IT OUT GIRL!). But seriously. I think its just a fact that people are going to use, so let's just throw those guys all into a different league--Say the American Druggie Baseball Association. It would be kind of amazing all these guys who are like X-Men playing baseball. The balls would be flying all over the place, bats cracking in half every other hit. Yeah that would be kind of amazing.
Health...
Cigarettes sales are down 4.2% which is interesting. All the kids in my class say that if you smoke you will die. Yeah that's true. But then again, if you breathe air, you will die. Such is life, I'm over it.
Did you know Diabetes can lead to erectial disfunction!? Did you know that they call it ED? Did you know that they have about 3 or 4 ED ads every night on the news!? How many men can't ... Never mind, I think that this whole subject needs to stop. I'm putting it to rest.
People in America are living longer. Dolly (yes, her again), Bush, and thousands of others are turning 60 this year.
Financial...
Billionaires. There's tons of them! FORBES said it... 793 Billionaires in the world! There were only 476 3 years ago! That's a big growth rate for those of you who don't do well with numbers (Shaw family shout out). Bill Gates tops the list with 50 billion, and how much has he given me? Nothing. 371 billionaires live here in the US. Martha is off the list. Donald is on the list. Dolly wasn't on the list, even after Dollywood. That freako James Dyson with his stupid vacuum did it, he's a billionaire. I can't stand that stupid commercial. He spent his life doing it, and for that we give him a billion. Come on. I've spent over 6 years becoming a teacher and do I get a billion? Nope, I just get a 5 figure salary and kids spitting on me. Whatever.
And that's the news for today.
Check back soon for the amazing things happening in the world. More to come on Dollywood soon...
3 comments:
listen, if you were on the news i might watch it more. good stuff. keep me laughing!
who am i kidding? more? i might actually start watching it.
Ok, hilarious. I think it's rather funny that the number of billionares is a huge headline right now. I mean, come on, it's even on the yahoo headlines. btw, I am totally bringing my gameboy advance sp to work tomorrow, just in case Kirsty Alley shows up... :o)
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